I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
