you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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