It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
