I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
operation have a gay friend backfired
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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