I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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