Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
