theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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