I think i sorta joined a cult last night
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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