we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
only you would photoshop your dick
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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