getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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