I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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