everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My dick has a subreddit
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
