I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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