I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
