If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
