We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
