On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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