So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
