He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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