He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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