As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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