dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
