Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We're too hungover to prance.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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