clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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