ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We are two peas in an std pod
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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