Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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