Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
