just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
