I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
