420 ftw
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
