I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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