im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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