I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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