woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
