I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
