Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
