Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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