the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
