i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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