Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
