shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
