I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
