I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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