i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
