I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
