so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
