I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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