M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
