I only kidnapped one of them. chill
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
