Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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