no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
