I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
