honey bunches of taint.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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